Lately, clients and friends have been coming to me because they’re concerned about drinking and how it’s affecting their lives.

Most of them don’t identify as alcoholics, but they recognize that alcohol is having a negative impact, and they don’t know what to do.

They’re not sure if they want to give up drinking, but they’re having a hard time moderating drinking — not to mention figuring out what “moderating” really is.

I can relate deeply to all of this. I’ve never shared much about alcohol, addiction, and codependency, but it’s been a huge part of my life. 

And because so many people have turned to me for support and advice lately, I knew it was time to write this.

My goal with this post isn’t to convince you to become sober. I don’t think everyone needs to be (or should be!) sober. It’s an extremely personal choice.

My goal with this post is to normalize sobriety. Sobriety is deeply stigmatized, just as much as alcoholism, and I’m living proof that it’s possible to be cool, fun, and sober.  

There’s a pervasive assumption that if you don’t drink, you’re either a) pregnant, or b) you have a SERIOUS problem with alcohol.

And that’s simply not true.

It’s possible to abstain from drinking simply because you choose to do so, even if you’re not a full-fledged alcoholic. It doesn’t mean you’re a stick in the mud, a party pooper, or that you “can’t control yourself” around booze.

I quit drinking for many reasons (which I’ll share in a bit), but mostly, I’m incredibly prone to hangovers. I didn’t want to feel like ass the next day, even if it was only once or twice a month. And that was good enough for me.

I’m not a total hermit. I still have fun. I can be around people who are drinking, and I truly don’t care. It’s just not worth it to me. So I stopped.

For many people, this seems unfathomable. Not because they don’t think they can stop drinking, but because they’re worried about judgement from other people. 

Heck, when DOESN’T this rule apply? I think we’re all diluting our personalities and ignoring our dreams because we’re worried about what other people think. (Yet another reason we’re all compelled to drink in the first place — it takes the edge off that terrifying question … what does everyone really think of me?)

The expectation to drink is so prominent that most social events are built around it, and if booze is missing, it’s a “crappy party.” Their wedding doesn’t have an open bar? Greaaaaaaat. Remind me to bring my flask. 

What would brunch be without “mommy juice”?

What’s a gathering without a buzz?

Is it even possible to be an adult without partaking in the endless pours and shots?

Would we even remember how to talk to each other?

That’s the scariest question of all.

I haven’t been a regular drinker since 2011, and I haven’t had a drink since August of 2017. I have great friends, and most of them drink. It’s really not as disruptive or “weird” as you might assume, but I know it can feel that way in the beginning. 

My husband got sober in 2011 (he did have issues with alcohol, which run deep in his family). Looking back, that was a huge concern of ours: Will our friends abandon us? Will everyone think we’re too “straight-laced”?

There were some bumps along the way, and a few people who fell by the wayside, but honestly, it’s just not that big of a deal. 

What is a big deal is that my husband’s sobriety saved our marriage, and saved his life. He got the mental clarity and drive to start writing again, and since then, he has been published in countless anthologies, including The Iowa Review. He has interest from an agent and he’s on the hook for a novel, which he works on diligently every day.

Under the cloud of booze, his writing always suffered. It was a constant fit of starts and stops, with no real work to show. Now he has a boatload of published work. And I am so unbelievably proud of him.

I think many of us use drinking to distract ourselves from the pain of what we’re not doing, but know we need to do. Without the distraction, we can move through our pain and do the things we feel called to do, even if they are scary. 

Personally, I had a binge-y relationship with alcohol. I could go for MONTHS on end without drinking, but then I’d be in a social situation where I felt pressured to drink, and I’d drink too much. I’d say stupid things, become overly emotional, and wake up the next day wanting to erase it all.

That — coupled with my hair-trigger hangovers and my desire to live in solidarity with my husband — made it all not worth it.

August 2017 was the last time it happened, and I’m just sort of over it. That’s not the kind of person I want to be, or the kind of thing I want to do.

For me, it’s easier not to do it than it is to try and “moderate” myself. The same goes with junk food. 

(For more on the idea of “moderating” vs. “abstaining,” check out Gretchen Rubin’s work.) 

I’m feeling rambly, but I guess what I’m trying to say is this:

I don’t drink, my husband doesn’t drink, and we have a great life. If you think that booze is a problem for you (even if you’re not an alcoholic!), it’s totally possible to give it up, and it won’t make you a shut-in. 

Alternative and Classic Resources for the Sober-Curious

Over the years, I’ve been exposed to a lot of content about sobriety and recovery. Some of it resonated more than others.

ALTERNATIVE PROGRAMS AND APPROACHES

STOP OVERDRINKING BY BROOKE CASTILLO
Brooke Castillo has an amazing podcast and array of coaching programs, including Stop Overdrinking. Get a taste of her work by listening to her 3-episode series on how to stop overdrinking. The official program is a part of her Self-Coaching Scholars program, which I highly recommend.

HIP SOBRIETY
Holly Whittaker’s radically holistic, radically awesome approach to living sober. Tons of great content here, including her Sobriety School.

HOME Podcast
A must-listen if you’re looking for a fresh, contemporary, sassy-as-all-get-out approach to recovery. Holly Whittaker is the cohost.

THE INFURIATING TRUTH ABOUT WHY WOMEN DRINK
Not a program or an approach, but one of the best articles I’ve ever read about our pervasive drinking culture and why we should question it.

CLASSIC PROGRAMS AND APPROACHES

AL-ANON
A 12-step program for spouses and family members of alcoholics and addicts. I spent some time in this program and found it very helpful when I needed the support.

ADULT CHILDREN OF ALCOHOLICS
This is a 12-step program for adults who were raised by alcoholic or addicted parents. I spent some time in this program and found it helpful when I needed the support.

ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS
For decades, Alcoholics Anonymous was considered the “only way” to get sober, and many purists still argue this case. But AA doesn’t resonate with a lot of people, especially those who are struggling but don’t identify as alcoholics, or those who have a hard time with the spiritual aspect. That being said, if AA does resonate with you, it’s an amazing approach. Just know there are others out there.

Let me know in the comments: Are you sober-curious or a sober veteran? What has helped you the most?